Direction Please?

I'm riding the struggle bus lately. I feel really disconnected, like I can't seem to get into a routine. I feel like I'm just going day to day, but not accomplishing what I want to accomplish. My relationships, both with God and my earthly relationships are struggling. I'm struggling with prayer a lot...I'm afraid my prayers are just bellringers, that they're not sincere enough, and I can't seem to form coherent thoughts. It's extremely frustrating.
I want to know what God wants me to do. I want to do his will, but I'm having trouble shutting up and listening to what he is trying to say...How can I bless God because he has blessed me so much?

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ.

Jeremiah 29:11

Wow. It has been forever since I have blogged. I feel like such a slacker! I need to get back into this because lately a lot has been happening and I am STRESSED.
I got back from Haiti almost 2 weeks ago. The trip was incredible. It was eye opening, interesting, heartbreaking, and so much more than I ever imagined it would be. The food left quite a bit to be desired, but that honestly just made me so much more aware of how good we have things in America. We are incredibly spoiled. And I am an extremely selfish person. The Haitian people have next to nothing, but they have such pride in their country and what little they have. The country is consumed by poverty and voodoo, so it is hard to imagine much hope in such a place. I really want to make a difference in their country. We built 4 houses while we were there, which was pretty incredible given the amount of time that we had. I really want to go back...The children were heartbreaking. I've never seen such cute children, but many were malnourished and hungry. It really just broke my heart and my spirit. God is needed so badly in that country. I just wish I knew how I could impact it more than I did in the week I was there. My team was amazing, and I really enjoyed getting closer to the individuals on the trip. Hannah has proved to be my soul mate, and I'm having a difficult time with her living 3 hours away...She would be a good one to talk to with everything going on.
Danny and I are now dating. Crazy how God works things out...I never thought I would be good enough for a Bushnell boy, let alone Danny. He has such a servant's heart, and he literally would give me anything I need whenever I need it. He's incredibly sweet all the time, and he genuinely enjoys spending time with me. Plus, we like so many of the same things and our views are so similar. I think he loves me. :) It's a pretty good feeling, for sure. It does scare me some, just because he is the first Christian boy I have ever dated. What is God's plan for us?
I'm struggling hard with God's plan for my life lately. Hence, the title of tonight's blog. The verse comes from Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I really love this verse, but lately I have just been overlooking it. I feel so lost with what God is wanting me to do. I'm not listening to him for direction...Once again I am being the control freak that I am, and I just keep trying to get in the driver's seat and take over everything. Obviously, this isn't working.
The job situation is really stressing me out. My parents are on my case about filling out applications and trying to find a teaching position. There are some openings, but I don't feel like I have a chance...and I'm not positive I really want the chance if it is there. I don't know if teaching is what I want to do. Everything is just so confusing and up in the air right now. I'm sending in some applications, but I'm not really optimistic. There is an opening at KCARC for a new position...but it's full time. And I'm not even sure I would want to do it.
I just feel like I'm moving in circles but not getting anywhere. My Mom says that I should apply for teaching positions and then sub in the fall. This sounds pretty good, but am I just going to live with my parents forever? Eventually, I'm going to have to grow up. And that probably terrifies me the most.
Yibby is getting married in 2 days. I leave tomorrow for Evansville and the rehearsal dinner. It makes me excited, but sad at the same time. I feel like I'm behind in my life. Like I'm not where I'm supposed to be. There are so many pieces, but I seem to be missing many of them. I'm so excited for her, but I'm going to miss having her close. They will be moving to Ohio after the wedding so Stephen can start Grad school.
I would move. I would try to find a job in another state. But I'm a coward. I'm afraid of change and new places. I'm afraid to leave the friends I  have here and the small groups I've become a part of. I'm afraid to leave Danny with our relationship being so new. I have no clue what that is going to lead to.
The day after the wedding I leave for Nashville for another mission trip. I wish that I was in the right mindset. I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. Plus, packing sucks...that or I just suck at it.
Ugh. I'm lost. I'm stressed. And I'm failing at having faith.
I could use some prayer for sure. And some ice cream.

God is good. All the time.

It has been a crazy past couple of days!
I had been having a not so great week. Tangled was a great movie at women's group, but I dropped my phone getting out of my car...it's been raining forever so of course it was soaked. :(
I thought that the rest of my week would just keep going downhill...
BUT THEN-

Yesterday, I found out that I will be going on the Haiti mission trip. I was supposed to go to Honduras in July, but plans changed and the trip ended up falling through. I was pretty upset because I was excited, and I have been raising money...Well, I got a call from Duke. There was an open spot on the Haiti trip that's happening this month. I talked to Duke and my parents and confirmed details and such. I'll be leaving for Haiti on May 13th, which is in 9 days. :) I'm so excited to go serve Christ in the poorest country of the world. I want to help people, and this is the most excellent opportunity to do so. I'm super nervous what with getting shots, my passport, and things packed, but it will all work out okay. I can only take one carry on bag...it's going to be interesting! My passport came in the mail earlier this week, so we are good to go there. And my amazing mother found out about my shots for me, and they are only going to cost $133 instead of $250! I'm scared of the shots, but it's the price I have to pay. Haiti is in desperate need of our help, and I cannot wait to see how God will use me.
Yesterday, I also got some fantastic news. I got a call from Evansville about an interview at Joshua Academy! I did not think that they were hiring for next year. The lady remembered me at the teacher recruitment fair, so I feel like I could definitely have a shot at the position...the only bad thing is that I kinda hate Evansville. I don't want to live there very badly, and I would really miss church here and  my small groups. God has a plan, so I'm trying not to dwell on things right now. My interview is the 25th, and I may not even get the job. If I did I would have a house down there already because my sister is trying to sell hers. We'll see...I also sent in an application today for North Gibson Princeton area. They have two openings.
If I don't get either of these I can definitely sub in the fall. It does take away some stress to know that I have options.
Jamie Memering also said that I could babysit throughout this summer. They pay well. And I also have the fields. Life is pretty good right now. If I could just have some reassurance about boy situations. :)
All in due time I guess. I need to get back into my routine. I've been neglecting my blog as well as reading and prayer. Hopefully I'll have more time once I'm done with student teaching. Only 1 more day!!!!! :)
I just need to remember:
God is good. All the time. :)

P.S. My phone works again! Dad put it in a bag of rice, and apparently it sucked all the moisture out of it. Happy Day!!!

Crazy Weekend Redo

Epic Fail.
I just wrote a post, and then it was gone. So much anger...

I haven't written in awhile since I was in Evansville alll weekend. I. Am. Exhausted.
Yibby's bridal shower was good. She got a lot of stuff for her and Stephen's house...wherever it ends up being. I am so going to miss her when she moves. I feel so old compared to all the people here at home. She's one of my only friends who is actually my age. I feel like such an old lady. Especially after this weekend. Her bachelorette party was fantastic. My outfit was absolutely tragic, but I really enjoyed my time with the Feigel girls and Erika. They're pretty fabulous. :) This weekend, however, is not something I want to partake in every weekend...like I said, I'm an old lady. And I definitely need my beauty sleep.
So, pretty sure I'm going to start anytime because I have been super moody and irritable this weekend and especially today. A song almost made me cry in the car and I've been devouring chocolate like it's my job. Everyone and everything is annoying me.
And, along with my super moodiness, I'm being the biggest Debbie ever, and I've been having super depressing stupid thoughts. Hence the following:
I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. Eventually, I think it's going to come down to me having to move away and grow up and find a big girl job. Too bad this terrifies me..
I do not want to live with my parents forever. Talk about depressing. I'm going to be 23 this year. Yes, that is still pretty young, but I have no idea what I'm doing with my life or where I'm going. I sorta feel like God is MIA lately. I know that's not true, but I can't help feeling like my life is at a stand still. I'm just so scared of moving away all by myself. I've gotten so comfortable here, and I love my church, and my small groups, and being close to my family...
But, is there anything for me in Vincennes? Obviously the job situation is pretty dim...I'm not meeting anyone here...I'm broke as a joke and living with my parents...What am I supposed to be doing? Where am I supposed to be? My life has sorta become this big gigantic ballofperpetualdoomanddistruction.
I'm failing at this trust God with everything business. Why do I have to be so stinking stubborn?!
Not good.
Anyway...I'm not really feeling like writing at the moment. I'm sure these thoughts will evaporate quickly once I get out of this moody gloom. I'm just a Negative Nancy tonight.

Here is the song that almost made me cry. It's a goodie. Annnnd, you can just call me an 80 year old lady for tearing up and being an emotional wreck.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgGUKWiw7Wk

The more boys I meet...

Ever since I was a little girl, I have always imagined my wedding and how it would be. This is a typical girl thing to do, but I took it to the extreme. I know certain details that I want, such as round tables, tulips, and the colors green, purple, and yellow. I've always imagined walking down the isle looking beautiful, skinny, and so very happy. I've imagined walking down that isle, but the person I see is not someone I recognize. I don't know who that person is. I don't know where they are in the world. I don't know if I've met them, or if I will be meeting them soon. They are just one big dumb mystery. And so we enter the conundrums that are relationships.
This is so frustrating.
Rawr on relationships. They just make me want to run far away. They can't be simple, bada-bing, bada-boom, you like me, I like you, deals. No, they have to be super awkward and complicated affairs that make me want to pull my hair out...
Lately, as in the past few months/weeks/days, relationships have really been on my mind. I know, I know, I'm supposed to give it all to God, and trust in His plan. But HOT JAMBALAYA! Do you know how hard that is?! I try every single day, and yet I still seem to keep wondering where my Prince Charming is, and WHO he is. Uggghhhh.
I have this very unrealistic fear...although in my head it is a very legit fear...that someday I will be old, wrinkly, and the CCL. CCL stands for Creepy Cat Lady. Everyone knows a CCL, and you can't help but wonder how they came to be the way they are. Did they ever have someone special in their life? Did they share their lives with someone? How did they end up how they are now? Did they trust God to have a plan for their relationship life? It's sad. I know God has a plan for me, but I really hope and pray that it's not to be a CCL. Although, if it is, I'm going to have to learn to accept it....
Anyway.
I guess where I'm going with this is that I need prayer. I need prayers for contentment. I am so very blessed with amazing friends and family. I have some money, sure I would like more, but I'm not starving, I have a house and a car, I have shelter...I've got it pretty good. God gives me so much. Like they said at small group tonight, God gives me every single breath I take each day. Each one is a gift from him. He doesn't have to give them to me. He could snuff me out as easily as we could blow out a candle. And yet I feel like I'm squandering these gifts by not being content with each breath and always wanting more. More money, more guidance, to know the future. Humans are so like that. God gave us everything, even his ONLY Son. He let his Son DIE for us, and yet we whine because God isn't working on the timetable we want him to.
Good grief...
So, prayers for contentment would be appreciated. I need to stop thinking about the conundrums that are relationships. Especially with certain people of late. Urgh, it's so difficult. But I do not want repeats of the last couple months/years. That would not do myself, or anyone else any good. I do not want to repeat mistakes and things that I've been through. I should know how to avoid that kind of thing by now. I need to stop worrying about what others think as well. If I am going to think about relationships and things, I can't be afraid of the opinions of other people. That got me in trouble last time...Judgements are almost as bad as relationships themselves.
So here it is,
Goal: Stop thinking about relationships. Stop worrying about relationships. Stop over-analyzing every little single thing that people say and do. Stop having one sided conversations with myself on whether to say things or not say things...that makes me sound kinda crazy, but it's so needed. Try very very hard to pray about these problems daily instead of taking them on myself.

Annnnd so as my title states, I would love to quote the lovely Carrie Underwood. She says it much better than I can. And I think this title is always good for a laugh...

The more boys I meet...........the more I love my dog. :)

Yes, it really is that easy.

You reveal the path of life to me; in Your presence is abundant joy; in Your right hand are eternal pleasures. Psalm 16:11

Today seemed like it was just going to be an ordinary day. It still seemed that way when I sat down to blog today...until I started thinking about the events of the day and I had a sort of epiphany. I was reading in my little dedicated teachers prayer book, and today's reading was entitled Your Mission. I just wanted to share it here because it is the basis on which this epiphany is founded:

Whether you realize it or not, you are on a personal mission for God. As a Christian teacher, that mission is straightforward: Honor your Creator, accept Christ as your Savior, teach your students truth, and serve those who cross your path.
Of course, you will encounter impediments as you attempt to discover the exact nature of God's purpose for your life, but you must never lose sight of the overriding purposes that God has established for all believers through the revelations of His Holy Word. When you apply God's commandments to every aspect of your life, you will earn countless blessings for yourself, your family, and your students.
Every day offers fresh opportunities to server God, to worship Him, and to seek His will. When you do, He will bless you in miraculous ways. May you continue to seek God's purposes, may you trust His Word, and may you place Him where He belongs: at the very center of your life.

Wow. That's all I could think after I read this. I never thought that teaching, the profession that I chose, would be my personal mission for Christ. That it would be the way I was supposed to reach people. Then I wanted to smack myself in the head as my epiphany hit me like a ton of bricks. Over these last few weeks I've just been moaning, groaning, crying, and complaining about student teaching and all the things I've had to deal with. But, from the beginning, God said the journey was not going to be easy. He warned us that following Him would be tough, but that the rewards would be plentiful. Of course I'm going to encounter impediments. Everyone does. All teachers do from time to time. But, God gave me this gift of teaching, and lately I think all I've been doing is losing sight of the purposes God has established for my life. Every single day is a fresh opportunity for me to serve Him. So, why have I been wasting my days worrying and complaining!? DUH!!!! God knows where I'm supposed to be. It's right here in my life. In the present. It doesn't matter what happens this afternoon, tomorrow, or even the next day because He has got it figured out. And in the end...everything is going to work out according to His plan. I've been praying for patience, and He has been trying to give it to me. I've been asking for guidance, and He has been here the whole time, holding my hand, carrying me, trying to get me to open up my eyes, trust Him, and stop being so afraid.
I observed in another classroom today, and the differences from this classroom to mine were astounding. Not all classrooms are going to be stressful like mine is. Why did I think that teaching was always going to be bad? I can control how it is ran by implementing procedures at the beginning and always remembering to serve God through my work. I need to be patient and loving, just as God is with me each and every day. How can I expect to reach students and have respect from them when I am forgetting the number one rules for my life? I'm disgusted with myself for forgetting these things in the past weeks. Every time something tough has come up, I haven't gone to Him or prayed about it. Or, I have prayed about it, but then taken the problem back and tried to deal with it myself. No wonder these past weeks have been difficult! I'm not making it any easier on myself.
It's amazing how many life questions are answered if we just sit still and listen for God when He's trying to talk to us. So often I find myself angry because I don't feel like He is hearing me, when in fact it is ME not hearing HIM! It's incredible to realize that what we do each day has meaning in the big picture of God's plan.
These verses definitely sum up these thoughts very well:

Whatever you do, do everything for God's glory. 1 Corinthians 10:31

We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God: those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

I will instruct you and show you the way to go; with My eye on you, I will give counsel. Psalm 32:8

Commit your activities to the Lord and your plans will be achieved. Proverbs 16:3

Yes, it really is that easy. :)

New Again

Today wasn't too bad of a day. School has become utterly pointless for me. I'm not teaching anymore, so there really is not point in me being there. I'm going to be observing some other classes at some point, so that is good, but other than that I just sit in the back of the room and write letters and grade papers. Only 9 more days left. I graduate in less than 2 weeks! That is so crazy...scary...bittersweet...
Life is changing. I can feel it coming. I'm scared, but I'm excited too. I feel like I'm closing the college chapter of my life and opening the "adult" chapter. God has some awesome plans for me and my future. I just have got to be PATIENT. And it's killing me. This summer seems like it is going to be pretty good. I'm really excited for my missions trips I'm going on. I hope that I can grow more in Christ over the next couple of months. Honduras is going to be a real test of my faith, and I cannot wait. :)

So, I've become utterly obsessed with the song I posted about yesterday. Not only do I have a total voice crush on Brad Paisley, but I LOVE the message sent in this song. I basically have it on repeat whenever I'm at my computer. The words are simple, but they are so powerful. I'm going to try and see if I can post a link on here of it...the song makes me think so much about God's plans. I don't understand His plans at all. But I don't think I'm supposed to. That's the beauty of His love for me, and the beauty of childlike faith. So often I question what God's plans are for me. So often I wonder why He lets certain things happen in my life. But honestly, how can I even begin to question his plans for my life compared to the plans he had for Jesus? I cannot even imagine what was going through Jesus' head when he was praying in the garden of Gethsemane. Jesus knew that whatever happened was to fulfill God's will. He had complete faith in His Father...It's because He knows the outcome. Of everything.  He knows what I want/need, and He is going to provide me with whatever is best for me. Because he knows. Jeremiah 29:11. He makes everything new. Including me. And just that thought alone makes me want to fall down on the floor and cry my eyes out. I'm so incredibly selfish, but He gave it all for me. He sent His only Son for me. For the world. He created us...and had the most elaborate plan all laid out, and His will was done. That just amazes me and leaves me without words.

I read something this morning from a book I got for Christmas that really struck me. The book is called Promises and Prayers for Dedicated Teachers.  The entry for today was about trusting God's timing. Ha ironic since that is what I've been struggling with for quite some time now. It basically was saying that I need to be patient as a teacher. I need to teach my students to be patient in an impatient world. I am their guide, and I need to show Christ to them...one way I can do that is to just be patient with them. Slow to anger. And not anxious.
There were a few verses in the reading that I really liked.

Psalm 27:14, Wait for the Lord; be courageous and let your heart be strong. Wait for the Lord.
Acts 1:7, He said to them, "It is not for you to know times or periods that the Father has set by His own authority."

It's amazing how just yesterday I started this blog...but already I feel like I am accomplishing my goals. Maybe it is too soon to say, but...this could actually work!!

I read Acts chapters 12 and 13 for women's group tonight. I wasn't enjoying Acts at first, but the more I'm reading it, the more I'm starting to get into it and have questions. The Holy Spirit is everywhere in this book! It's frustrating because I don't feel like I really get the concept of the Holy Spirit. Is it just a manifestation of God? Do people see it, or is it a feeling? I'm so confused on this subject. In many instances the Bible says that the people were filled with the Holy Spirit, like at Pentecost in Acts chapter 2. What exactly does this mean? The Holy Spirit also is said to send people places...so is it a feeling or does it come in a vision or a dream or something? Is it the Holy Spirit that allows the disciples to conduct miracles? I think these are questions I need to be asking someone more knowledgeable than myself...maybe I'm being too literal?
I was also reading some out of Matthew because, since watching the Passion a few weeks ago and listening to Dan's sermon Sunday, I've become really interested in revisiting the 4 Gospels. The Passion stirred up all kinds of questions for me, and I'm learning quite a bit about what Jesus preached on to the people of that time. It amazes me that his teachings are still the same today. That they have survived this long just goes to show that he is legit. :) Honestly, his teachings and the ways that he wants us to act are pretty much common sense. Unfortunately, Satan is out there. And he is doing his best to tempt us away from the way we know we should act. I'm slowly learning that I have to reach out to Christ all the time. I cannot be afraid to ask him for things, no matter how minuscule they may seem.

Matthew 7:7-8, "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened."

A prayer for today: Lord, my sense of timing is fallible and imperfect; Yours is not. let me trust in Your timetable for my life, and give me the patience and the wisdom to trust Your plans, not my own. Amen

Check out this video. You won't regret it. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J7wEa8YTGhM&feature=related