Wow. It has been forever since I have blogged. I feel like such a slacker! I need to get back into this because lately a lot has been happening and I am STRESSED.
I got back from Haiti almost 2 weeks ago. The trip was incredible. It was eye opening, interesting, heartbreaking, and so much more than I ever imagined it would be. The food left quite a bit to be desired, but that honestly just made me so much more aware of how good we have things in America. We are incredibly spoiled. And I am an extremely selfish person. The Haitian people have next to nothing, but they have such pride in their country and what little they have. The country is consumed by poverty and voodoo, so it is hard to imagine much hope in such a place. I really want to make a difference in their country. We built 4 houses while we were there, which was pretty incredible given the amount of time that we had. I really want to go back...The children were heartbreaking. I've never seen such cute children, but many were malnourished and hungry. It really just broke my heart and my spirit. God is needed so badly in that country. I just wish I knew how I could impact it more than I did in the week I was there. My team was amazing, and I really enjoyed getting closer to the individuals on the trip. Hannah has proved to be my soul mate, and I'm having a difficult time with her living 3 hours away...She would be a good one to talk to with everything going on.
Danny and I are now dating. Crazy how God works things out...I never thought I would be good enough for a Bushnell boy, let alone Danny. He has such a servant's heart, and he literally would give me anything I need whenever I need it. He's incredibly sweet all the time, and he genuinely enjoys spending time with me. Plus, we like so many of the same things and our views are so similar. I think he loves me. :) It's a pretty good feeling, for sure. It does scare me some, just because he is the first Christian boy I have ever dated. What is God's plan for us?
I'm struggling hard with God's plan for my life lately. Hence, the title of tonight's blog. The verse comes from Jeremiah 29:11
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
I really love this verse, but lately I have just been overlooking it. I feel so lost with what God is wanting me to do. I'm not listening to him for direction...Once again I am being the control freak that I am, and I just keep trying to get in the driver's seat and take over everything. Obviously, this isn't working.
The job situation is really stressing me out. My parents are on my case about filling out applications and trying to find a teaching position. There are some openings, but I don't feel like I have a chance...and I'm not positive I really want the chance if it is there. I don't know if teaching is what I want to do. Everything is just so confusing and up in the air right now. I'm sending in some applications, but I'm not really optimistic. There is an opening at KCARC for a new position...but it's full time. And I'm not even sure I would want to do it.
I just feel like I'm moving in circles but not getting anywhere. My Mom says that I should apply for teaching positions and then sub in the fall. This sounds pretty good, but am I just going to live with my parents forever? Eventually, I'm going to have to grow up. And that probably terrifies me the most.
Yibby is getting married in 2 days. I leave tomorrow for Evansville and the rehearsal dinner. It makes me excited, but sad at the same time. I feel like I'm behind in my life. Like I'm not where I'm supposed to be. There are so many pieces, but I seem to be missing many of them. I'm so excited for her, but I'm going to miss having her close. They will be moving to Ohio after the wedding so Stephen can start Grad school.
I would move. I would try to find a job in another state. But I'm a coward. I'm afraid of change and new places. I'm afraid to leave the friends I have here and the small groups I've become a part of. I'm afraid to leave Danny with our relationship being so new. I have no clue what that is going to lead to.
The day after the wedding I leave for Nashville for another mission trip. I wish that I was in the right mindset. I'm just not sure what I'm supposed to be doing. Plus, packing sucks...that or I just suck at it.
Ugh. I'm lost. I'm stressed. And I'm failing at having faith.
I could use some prayer for sure. And some ice cream.
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